


Show me where it hurts maybe I can heal it

by random_firework



Series: 12 Days of Wincestmas 2015 [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxious Sam, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attack, Post-Season/Series 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-14 23:51:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5763685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/random_firework/pseuds/random_firework
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Dean buys a Christmas tree.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Show me where it hurts maybe I can heal it

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 4th day of Wincestmas on Tumblr.  
> The title comes from the song A Matter of Time by The Killers.
> 
> Unbeta'd, every mistake is mine. Don't hesitate to let me know if you find a typo or two.
> 
> Comments and constructive reviews are very much appreciated. You don't have to, obviously, but that would be great !

Sam was reading in the library when he heard the voice of his brother calling for him:

“Sam ! Can you help me with something up here ?”

With a twinge of regret, he let go of his book and went to the war room. He looked up to see Dean standing in front of the Bunker’s door, a huge smile on his face.

“I’m gonna need your strong arms for a particularly crucial task, love.”

Sam blushed at the pet name. 

“You fell in a pothole with the car again ?” he asked to hide his embarrassment. 

Dean tried to shoot him a dirty look but he failed as he couldn’t erase the grin on his lips.

“Come on,” he simply answered, opening the door to go outside. 

Sam followed him, smiling to himself as he wondered what Dean had done this time. His brother was waiting for him at the bottom of the outdoor stairs. 

“You trust me ?”

Sam gave him his most sarcastic bitch face. 

“Okay, okay, was just checking. Close your eyes.”

He did as he was told, and Dean guided him to help him climb the stairs, a hand on his right shoulder and the other one holding Sam’s left hand. When they reached the top, Dean let go of his shoulder but held his hand, creating a warm feeling inside of Sam. He shivered when his big brother whispered in his ear: “Open your eyes, Sammy.”  
Sam didn’t know what he was expecting but certainly not this. Yes, he was expecting to be in front of the Impala, but it never crossed his mind that she would be bearing the weight of a nine-feet-tall Christmas tree.  
He turned his face to his brother, who was watching him closely, eyes full of excitement. 

“Awesome, huh ?” 

Sam smiled to him, trying to ignore the twitch in his guts.

“Yeah, Dean, it’s great.”

They untied the tree from the car and slowly but surely carried it to the war room. Dean went back upstairs and came back carrying a cardboard box, cheeks pink from the fresh air and the excitation. 

“What’s this ?” Sam asked, but only to make Dean happy, because he obviously knew what was in the box. 

“They were also selling Christmas ornaments,” Dean replied. “You can’t say no to that.”

“I’m pretty sure the Men of Letters had tinsel and baubles too, Dean.” 

Sam closed his eyes and bit his lips, instantly hating himself for the too rough tone he used. When he dared to look at his brother, he immediately noticed the hurt expression on his face, even though Dean brushed it off with a shrug and a thin smile. 

“Yeah, well, now we have ours.”

 

A few hours later, when Sam was in his room, sitting on his bed with a headache, he heard a quiet knock on his door. He didn’t answer, knowing Dean would enter anyway. That’s how they rolled. But this time Dean didn’t. Instead, he asked from behind the door:

“So you wanna decorate the tree this evening or tomorrow ?”

There was gentleness in his voice, but also concern, and Sam felt tears rolling down his cheek before swiping them away. 

“You know what Dean, why – um, why don’t you…” he began, before his voice broke. He coughed, trying to pull himself together. “Why don’t you start and I join you later ?” 

Dean didn’t answered right away and Sam imagined him shifting on his feet, deciding what he was going to do. _Please go away, please go away_ , he silently begged. There was already too much things inside his head.

“Sammy, baby, I wanted to do it with you.”

It was enough to make Sam collapse. His headache became worst, his vision began to blur, his respiration accelerated. He heard his brother calling him again and suddenly, a strong grip on his shoulder, a soothing hand up and down his spine. Dean’s was just in front of him, mouthing words that Sam couldn’t figure out, the pounding in his head too loud. 

 

Eventually, it passed, gradually. Dean was still here, sitting beside him, his hand making slow movements on Sam’s back, like after every other panic attacks Sam had had. 

“I’m okay, it’s okay,” Sam murmured, voice weak.

Dean pulled away a little before asking: 

“Wanna lie down or you prefer to stay seated ?” 

“Seated.”

“Okay.”

Sam looked up to his big brother, meeting his tired and concerned eyes. He felt like he was 12 again. 

“God, it’s been a long time.”

“Yeah,” Dean answered, his voice so gentle it almost made Sam cry. “You wanna talk about what triggered it ?”

It took several attempts to Sam to say something coherent but his thoughts finally became clearer and he managed to explain to Dean: 

“What we are, you and me, sometimes it’s too much for me.” He paused, afraid of the way Dean would react, but his brother was looking at him with intense eyes, just listening. “I love you, in every way possible. But I’m so afraid. The pet names and the tree and all those other things couples do, I – I can’t. Because every time, every single time, I think about how tomorrow you can die and leave me here without you. It’s like you’re showing me everything we could be when we both know we can’t have it, not for good.”

Dean rubbed his face. When he looked back at Sam, he was wearing a sad smile. 

“I know,” he sighed. “I’m scared too, Sam, I really am. But if I die tomorrow, you know what’ll be my last thought ? The shy look on your face when we had our first real date, or the fact that you still have the giant bear I gave you at the fair.”

Sam smiled, understanding what Dean was saying. _Don’t let the fear paralyze you. Use it to make good memories out of our crappy life._

“Maybe mine will be that time we decorated a Christmas tree with our very own tinsel,” Sam said.

“That’s my boy,” Dean laughed and he kissed him on the forehead. “Rest now, you must be tired.”

He stood up and looked at his feet, scratching the back of his head. 

“I know you need your space and everything, but um – I can stay here with you tonight if you want. If it makes you feel better.” 

Sam knew it would make Dean feel better too, even if he was too selfless to say so. He nodded before sliding under the sheets while Dean was turning off the light. When his brother joined him in the bed, he felt Dean’s hand taking his and placing it over his heart, beating at the same rhythm as his own. He let himself fall asleep, thinking that it would get better, that they would figure it out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading !


End file.
